(no subject)
I am so pissed at everything. George makes me feel like a piece of shit. Conclusion? Eat well and stop talking to him. At least he'll 'know" why this communication stream was cut off...because he just wants fantasy and sex and you want something more in depth. Both can be provided for.. concluded.

He was a bad person to conclude your college career with. Maybe it was unconsciously done in reference to you past relationship(s).

Think about "pussy cat, pussy cat...i love you...."

Writer's Block: Proven by Science
Do you believe everything has a scientific explanation?

Yes. We just don't have the scientific goods for particular occurrences-not yet anyway. I'm assuming this question is up against the god?

Writer's Block: Take this job and shove it ...
Have you ever walked off a job on the spot? What drove you to it? Did you regret it afterwards?

Yes. I just stopped showing up to work one day. I felt morally decadent for a couple of days thereafter but then got over it. I don't regret it.

(no subject)
 The Outside:

Love tears me apart. Love tears us apart. My Love tears us apart.


Obsession tears me apart. Obsession tears us apart. My Obsession tears us apart.

Revision Two:

Sickness tears me apart. Sickness tears us apart. My Sickness tears us apart.

But we were never linked in the way I wanted us to be. Nor will we ever be. I hold onto false hopes. My SIckness devours me once again. You are just an illusion with even more insecurities than me. I will never be able to interpret your responses  or anyone else's. All I can do is be myself.

Don't make the same mistake twice.

I'm so lonely. I could fill my schedule with all the things that I love but it doesn't make a difference; I  want a connection with another human male. I want love. There's one person from my past who has been haunting my mind once again and I would like to pursue this. The problem is that he lives about an hour away and flaked out on me two years ago. I'm afraid of being disappointed and hurt again. I know that we would be perfectly capable of loving each other, we are after all two sensitive human beings with a hankering for some romance. But I really do want to share more of myself with him. It's frustrating because I hear his stories of lost loves which whom he blindly  followed into the dark. I look at him in his completely insecure and awkward state and see all of his vulnerabilities and love him despite of it.  His perception of the world carries me away as well. I want to share so much more with him. I miss him again.

I've often thought of him during these past couple of years and can't seem to get over this bump. I understand that meeting someone else would help me get over this but I want to take the chance of having a modern day romance with this guy.  I just don't want to try and then get shot down again. There's just way too much emotion built up inside of me and I'm afraid of sharing it with him. I don't want to look lonely and pathetically interested even though I am. I'm tired of being a confused fool. I don't want to come "crawling back."

But  waiting is starting to take a toll on my soul. I'm so tired of these songs and books telling me to stay put. So tired of friends telling me to "take chances" but in the same breath telling me to "not do a thing." 

Damn contradictions.

Writer's Block: Proven by Science
Do you believe everything has a scientific explanation?

Note to self: Love thy self. Love, Self
Do you believe everything has a scientific explanation?


(no subject)
Hello again! Sorry I haven't been posting on a daily basis but I'm always apprehensive of recording thought dreams with cognitive blocks. I loathe mental constipation. Anyway, I made my way down to good old New York City yesterday via the smelly yet cheap Fung Wah bus; but not bad for 15 dollars a pop. Onto the juicy stuff...

An old friend of mine decided to meet me at my drop off location.We had a fun filled Saturday afternoon that included a crossing over the Brooklyn Bridge, a delicious meal at a local Mexican eatery in Park Slope with some good laughs and sexual tension (at least on my part). It wasn't until after the arrival of my other friend that I started to feel out of place with him. I think it was because I expected him to ONLY pay attention to me. But this is me being completely irrational. It would have been rude if he ignored my friend and focused on me the entire time. I also had a little bit of an "in diguise" break down when I asked him to dance with me and he said "I'm too tired, I'm sorry." On top of that, he refused to accompany me when I left to get some air. I might as well list the negatives-

1. Checked out my friend's bum when he thought no one was looking.
2. Talked about the kind of girls he's interested in.
3. Mentioned his ex girlfriend quite a bit and how much disdain he had for the guys who hit on her.
4. Never acknowledged that I looked nice even though his eyes seemed to imply this. I felt physically self conscious around him because I remembered the figures and thinness of the girls he dated. My skin was also dry with some blemishes that I tried to cover up: may have been zoning on these instead of my lips.
5. He probably sees me as someone who is always writhing around. I was trying to cuddle with him but he wasn't budging. I ask to lay on his stomach and he answered me with a "yes" without moving. Maybe he thought I was able to fit?
6. I think the toilet situation crossed me off his list even though I wasn't the one who clogged it with bulimia. But he didn't know this for sure.
7. He stopped looking at me during certain points. I felt invisible.
8. I kept saying "I'm tired because I was so self conscious." This now happens by default.
9 He probably see me as a whiny prig.
10. As a smelly prig.
11. As a chubby girl who tries to hard when it comes to conversation.
12. To much with my subtle touches.
13. Strange when it comes to staring at him with longing.
14, Maybe he was comparing me to Adriana in his head and figured that that is what he wants.
15.Maybe I'm not what he thought and hoped for.
16.Maybe he liked me out of whim.
17.Maybe he's like this to all of his girl friends.
18.Maybe he was comparing me to his ex and realized that I would never come close to what he had with her.
19. Maybe I should have danced with him...maybe not?

I would date him if only he would do something because I'm not bold enough to make a move. I'm afraid of rejection because it happens quite often. I'm also afraid of losing the closeness we had before due to my insecurities. Closeness meaning ...when I could tell him anything. Now I feel like I can't because it might break the situation. It might push him further away. I just wish he would let me into his heart and out of my head. Maybe he has? Or maybe not? I don't know what's in his head. I wish he would do or say something that would give me permission to tell him how I feel. I'm afraid of his lack of response or his ''Well Sam, blah-blah, I'm sorry." I can't have this happen, not from the one guy who I felt the most comfortable with.

I need an answer.

smart people, dr. pepper and kids who bite
So here I am on my couch in good old Boston with a nasty case of blogging fright.  I've been contemplating the whole live journal business for a while now and finally gained the courage and energy to begin. The lack of courage gives special thanks to the words of the supercilious. Regardless of the fact that one doesn't have to put up a front when blogging due to anonymity; no one likes to hear what people think of their REAL selves. I'm sure some people do (we need to talk) but the insecure most certainly do not. It's a pity that we're so self conscious even when in guise. OR maybe we're just trying to impress ourselves and concoct some grandiose image of our REAL selves because we really don't know our REAL selves? I'm too tired for this.

I would love to delve further into a rant but the diet  Dr. Pepper is starting to wear off and I have a book waiting for me: The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross . Green. I start working as a full time nanny in good old Brooklyn New York in a few weeks and am doing everything in my power to be fully prepared in case there's a need for an exorcism or something like that. It's the beginning of a long career with our innocent selves; wish me luck! :)


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