- (no subject)
- August 2nd, 2009
Hello again! Sorry I haven't been posting on a daily basis but I'm always apprehensive of recording thought dreams with cognitive blocks. I loathe mental constipation. Anyway, I made my way down to good old New York City yesterday via the smelly yet cheap Fung Wah bus; but not bad for 15 dollars a pop. Onto the juicy stuff...
An old friend of mine decided to meet me at my drop off location.We had a fun filled Saturday afternoon that included a crossing over the Brooklyn Bridge, a delicious meal at a local Mexican eatery in Park Slope with some good laughs and sexual tension (at least on my part). It wasn't until after the arrival of my other friend that I started to feel out of place with him. I think it was because I expected him to ONLY pay attention to me. But this is me being completely irrational. It would have been rude if he ignored my friend and focused on me the entire time. I also had a little bit of an "in diguise" break down when I asked him to dance with me and he said "I'm too tired, I'm sorry." On top of that, he refused to accompany me when I left to get some air. I might as well list the negatives-
1. Checked out my friend's bum when he thought no one was looking.
2. Talked about the kind of girls he's interested in.
3. Mentioned his ex girlfriend quite a bit and how much disdain he had for the guys who hit on her.
4. Never acknowledged that I looked nice even though his eyes seemed to imply this. I felt physically self conscious around him because I remembered the figures and thinness of the girls he dated. My skin was also dry with some blemishes that I tried to cover up: may have been zoning on these instead of my lips.
5. He probably sees me as someone who is always writhing around. I was trying to cuddle with him but he wasn't budging. I ask to lay on his stomach and he answered me with a "yes" without moving. Maybe he thought I was able to fit?
6. I think the toilet situation crossed me off his list even though I wasn't the one who clogged it with bulimia. But he didn't know this for sure.
7. He stopped looking at me during certain points. I felt invisible.
8. I kept saying "I'm tired because I was so self conscious." This now happens by default.
9 He probably see me as a whiny prig.
10. As a smelly prig.
11. As a chubby girl who tries to hard when it comes to conversation.
12. To much with my subtle touches.
13. Strange when it comes to staring at him with longing.
14, Maybe he was comparing me to Adriana in his head and figured that that is what he wants.
15.Maybe I'm not what he thought and hoped for.
16.Maybe he liked me out of whim.
17.Maybe he's like this to all of his girl friends.
18.Maybe he was comparing me to his ex and realized that I would never come close to what he had with her.
19. Maybe I should have danced with him...maybe not?
I would date him if only he would do something because I'm not bold enough to make a move. I'm afraid of rejection because it happens quite often. I'm also afraid of losing the closeness we had before due to my insecurities. Closeness meaning ...when I could tell him anything. Now I feel like I can't because it might break the situation. It might push him further away. I just wish he would let me into his heart and out of my head. Maybe he has? Or maybe not? I don't know what's in his head. I wish he would do or say something that would give me permission to tell him how I feel. I'm afraid of his lack of response or his ''Well Sam, blah-blah, I'm sorry." I can't have this happen, not from the one guy who I felt the most comfortable with.
I need an answer.